Atrum & I were just being who we were; sitting down, texting each other about how life’s a bitch and how Synyster Gates has fantastic ninja skills.  I’m pretty sure we mentioned the fact that the Kool-Aid man would be dead by now, had the saving grace of his voice not spared him for so long, but that’s not relevant to this tale.

Eventually, and I still can’t recall exactly how, we got onto the subject of pie.  I just remember saying that I wanted pie, and then Atrum said that we should get some pie.

I scrounged the depths of my bank account; there was just enough money for an airplane trip or two---I’d need them, as would Atrum.  I drained all the money I needed, which was most of the account.  My bank account had originally been intended to set aside college money, but pie is much more than secondary education.

Atrum and I met up at O’Hare airport in Chicago after equally turbulent rides for each of us.  The weather obviously didn’t know that we wanted our pie!

Why Chicago?  It’s a little known fact that Chicago is actually one of the most reputable pie capitals in the entire world.  You have to look extremely hard to find the pie, however; all the underground pie factories and bakeries in Chicago (the places where the good pie is made) are guarded 23/7 by ninja gnomes.

That’s right: ninja gnomes.  They’re pretty serious about their jobs.  Hell, I would be too, if I were them.  They get paid just slightly less than Mr. President Barack Obama himself.

Atrum and I immediately went on our search.  I once heard from a friend where to go in Chicago if I ever happened to find myself on a pie quest, so Atrum and I ended up going to a place underground called “Filial Piety.”

When we got there, I was shocked for three reasons:

1) The exterior was covered in padlocks.
2) I saw Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low…
3) …getting the shit beaten out of him by five of the ninja gnomes.

“What’d I tell you?!” one of the gnomes grunted.  “No one gets in without the password!”

“I-I,” Alex tried saying between beatings.

Finally, I’d seen enough.  “Gates, you’ve gotta-”

“NEMO-FIFTY TWO-FUZZY NAVEL-TWENTY THREE-POTATY-SEVEN!” Atrum shouted at the top of her lungs.

And with that, the gnomes instantly stopped beating Alex.

“He with you?” the same grunting gnome asked.

“Yes,” I immediately said before Alex could even think of protesting.  “We told him to meet us here, but he must’ve gotten here before us, and she’s the only one here that knows the password of us.”

The gnome mumbled something under his breath, and then he opened a small hidden door away from all the padlocks.

“In you go,” he grunted.

Atrum went in first, followed by Alex and myself.  As soon as we walked in, I gasped alongside the other two; so many pies had never been viewed in one place by human eyes!  It was completely insane, surreal, amazing.  If I were to die right there in that moment, my life would have been perfect.

“I owe you guys so-” Alex started.

“Shut up!” Atrum interrupted.  “Pie…”

I started at my shoes and blushed for a moment.  “Just trying to be good people, I guess,” I said to Alex.

He walked toward me, brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, and kissed me.  Not a forceful kiss, not a light kiss either.  Just right.

Atrum, on the other hand, was completely oblivious.  I looked over in her direction after a few minutes only to see a puddle of drool forming on the floor.  The only other time I’d seen her drool like that was when Synyster was –

Well, that’s another story for another time. ;)